Talking with Your Kids about School

It’s school pick up. Your child climbs in the car. You ask “So …What’d you do in school today?” Silence. 

Is this a familiar scene? Getting the details of your child’s school day can be challenging. Try these simple strategies to get your kid to open up about their day.

• Ask nonjudgmental questions that require full answers (not just yes or no.) You may ask “I noticed a few new kids in your class. Which ones have you been able to get to know? What are they like?” or “How did the soccer game go at recess?” This will get you a lot further than “How was school today?”
• Avoid the standard favorites questions. Kids don’t naturally think in favorites. By asking them to pick just one thing, friend, game or subject, they must view life with a competitive lens. Avoid asking your child what her favorite part of the day was and instead ask “What made you feel happy today?”
• Plan an activity or develop an afternoon routine that you and the kids can enjoy together. You could work on a puzzle together, prepare food for a snack or dinner, or snuggle on the couch with a cup of tea. Any of these daily routines give kids the time to open up and feel connected with you.
• Take advantage of car rides and other transportation. Moments when you and your child communicate indirectly, without eye contact, you may find that he has more to say. Whether you are driving or you are ready for bed sitting in the dark, your child may feel more comfortable talking, especially as he gets older.
• Listen. Kids first and foremost want to be heard. So stop talking and listen. To keep the conversation going, paraphrase or mirror what they have said back to them. You can do this by repeating the facts you hear, such as “your friend walked away and played by herself instead.”  Don’t judge, just acknowledge what they have to say. Then only provide opinions when your child asks you directly. You’ll find that summarizing their words and occasionally asking simple nonjudgmental questions will move the conversation forward.
• Lead by example. Open up about your day to your child. When she asks you questions, answer them honestly and age appropriately. And remember, your child may not always appear to be listening, but hears a lot more than she lets on!